When It Hurts So Bad You Can’t Breathe

As many of you know, I went to Sierra Leone, Africa in 2011, and I fell madly in love with 3 orphans. I was convinced that they were mine. I spent at least a year pouring over pictures of them on the internet. I Skyped with them every month for three years. God’s answer to that request was no.

No is a hard answer to take when you want something as badly as I wanted those children!! I knew that my husband and I could give them a good life. I knew that we had enough love in our hearts to welcome them into our home. But God said no…

I plunged into a pit of depression!! I was in counseling for year, punching things and yelling at God. I was so angry with Him. I couldn’t understand why He wouldn’t give me what I wanted. I had always been a “good” girl. I had taught Bible study and gone to church. I had raised my kids in church. I felt entitled!! 😦

For over a year, I could barely function in reality. Somewhere along the way, Jesus reached down, pulled me out of the pit, and set my feet on the Rock that is higher than I am. I CHOSE to trust God in the middle of the pain. I CHOSE to believe that He was good and that He was working out His plan for my good. It was painful. It was hard, but still I CHOSE God over those children.

You see, I figured out somewhere on that journey, that those beautiful orphans had become idols in my life. YES!!! Even good things can become idols in our lives…our spouses, our kids, our jobs, etc.

Fast forward to today. God is doing some AMAZING things in my life today. I’m closer to my own biological kids than I ever could have dreamed. He is doing things in my ministry. He is working out His plan for my life…my little piece of His story.

I realized today that God has been doing little things in my life throughout the past 6 years that I haven’t always been able to see. You see, when we fix our eyes on what we want but can’t have, we miss the things right in front of us, the things that He’s gifted to us right here and now.

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t wondered why I met those kids in 2011. OH, how I have wondered. I’ve wondered why they’re still in an orphanage while so many of their friends have found forever homes. I’ve wondered if they miss me as much as I miss them. I’ve wondered plenty. BUT GOD has been moving me forward all along on His path for my life.

In 2014, I traveled to Uganda on a vision trip with Amazima Ministries. They had a dream of building a secondary school for their sponsored children, because they all had to move 2-3 hours away from home to go to secondary school. I prayer walked the empty land that they wanted to build on. My husband and I have given over the last 7 years, and today, God made that school a reality. Today, they opened their doors and welcomed 72 children. Today, God showed me that I never would have traveled to Uganda if I had adopted. I never would have known about the school. I never would have walked the property and wept and prayed for a miracle. I never would have experienced the miracle that I experienced today if I had gone down my own path without His leading.

If you’re hurting, if you feel like God doesn’t hear you, if the pain is so deep that you feel like you can’t breathe, I ask only one thing of you…TRUST GOD!!! He is doing something even if you can’t see it, even if you can’t feel it. He is working all things together for your good!! Keep your eyes fixed on HIM!!!

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